Live Your Life

Who doesn’t love a good rant?

It’s awkward to have no one. I mean, yeah…sure…I have people. Sort of. It’s more like, I could have people, but I like punishment or something. I suppose I’m really saying that I feel like I’m a piece of nothing and so I believe that I deserve to sit around in poo all the time.

Today some dude at work asked me to use my headphones. It was sad.

I’m homeless.

I suppose one reason that I don’t seek professional help might be my pride. It’s very Xena like. Moreover it can be interpreted as a fault of the mind—my favorite aspect of me…despite the part where I’m convinced that I’m nothing unique in the category. I mean, seriously, we might all have unique experiences…but individually it’s all happened before (perhaps with the exception of breaking technology…of course, the advancement of technology really has no effect in the big picture of life).

So, I have no family. This all honestly feels like I’ve been stripped of my so-called life. What if I replaced everyone with a television show? I could totally feign happiness this way…delude myself with moving images. It would work for a little while. Does that make TV bad for me? I always want to talk about it. I always want to find someone else that loves the same show as much as I do. I tend to find that others don’t use tv shows as a replacement for family though.

I’ve been thinking of reading my old fanfics again. This would also be a form of people replacement though. Maybe this is a sign that I’ve given up on much of humanity.

What’s funny, in all this, is that I know that people want to like others. So I mean, I’m sure there’s a higher probability that I could at least make people think they like me and make myself think I like them.

I’m really frustrated about this housing thing.

Sometimes when I think of the future, I think I should prepare myself for solitude. The other day I think I had no physical contact with another human. I really enjoy small pokes and such throughout the day. These can evolve to hugs and such. Occasionally I fantasize about being in another culture that thrives off of such physical contact.

I think my officemate has disappeared. It’s kind of nice. I get to use my desk light instead of the big one overhead. I still want to pull the power cord out from said officemate’s computer though. Waste of energy.

New Ingrid CD – August 25. I wonder if I can pre-order…and if I can get anything special.

I’m considering the Dyson DC23 – Motorhead.

I’ve thought about drinking away my worries. Only problem is…I don’t seem to lose too much thinking ability when I drink…so it wouldn’t give the desired results.

If I could have all the money ever necessary to suffice all my whims…I could have a new set of problems to deal with.

I have little to no ability to care. I’m not sure that I ever had that ability. I recall at some point knowing that my soccer team would probably lose…and it didn’t matter at all. Some people call this pessimism.

Stream of consciousness.

My headphones make it difficult for me to hear anything other than my head and the music.

I’ve been tempted to just close the door to my office and play my music slightly louder…except now I have headphones on and I’m slightly aware of the possibility of going deaf. At least I know a few signs.

I’ve never been an over achiever. I’ve always just achieved…and somehow I seem to make lots of these successes easily. I’ve adjusted to not trying…even when there is a challenge. I can give up easily.

Celery is odd. I’m running code.

I could graduate in December if I just took two women’s studies classes. None of the classes look good though. Except for the one at 10 AM…. And someone else’s class is at 10…. You know who you are.

When I watch television shows, that I really like, I enjoy thinking of myself as one of the characters in the show. For example:

• Xena: Xena
• Buffy: Willow
• Bones: Bones

I generally view myself as a failure.

I really enjoyed climbing yesterday.

Niko took an uber poo yesterday. The vet fed him Friskies. Lol

I can’t watch shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, because it will bring me to tears. I end up feeling somewhat upset that people are in such situations, but I’m more bothered by the fact that I’ve done nothing to help them. I feel inadequate as a person.

I can’t be serious when talking to others about certain things, because I’m afraid that they will not like me anymore because of my faults.

I expect to be better than others, yet I assume it to be impossible.

I wonder about who reads this thing.

I’m listening to Britney Spears.

Should we allow assisted suicide? People are living too long and we haven’t stumbled upon the medical expertise to find the next problem after not dieing of dementia and other mental problems.

What do you get out of reading this?

AfterEllen told me to read/watch/take interest in Strawberry Panic!

iTunes just shuffled from electronica to jazz.

I can’t make any headway in my own life, because I feel like I have no family/support. Hence, my sole interest is in watching television shows. Oooh. I think that was insightful. Yay.  Or…it’s just a short answer, hiding the real one.  I’m not sure.